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LaVar Ball Fatigue Syndrome: It’s Not Just for UCLA Basketball Fans

By Nathan Eberhardt

Mar 4, 2017; Los Angeles, CA, USA; Lavar Ball embraces his son UCLA Bruins guard Lonzo Ball (2) after the game against the Washington State Cougars at Pauley Pavilion. Mandatory Credit: Richard Mackson-USA TODAY Sports
Mar 4, 2017; Los Angeles, CA, USA; Lavar Ball embraces his son UCLA Bruins guard Lonzo Ball (2) after the game against the Washington State Cougars at Pauley Pavilion. Mandatory Credit: Richard Mackson-USA TODAY Sports /
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Mar 4, 2017; Los Angeles, CA, USA; Lavar Ball, father of UCLA Bruins guard Lonzo Ball (2), poses for a selfie with Robert Pacheco at Pauley Pavilion. Mandatory Credit: Richard Mackson-USA TODAY Sports
Mar 4, 2017; Los Angeles, CA, USA; Lavar Ball, father of UCLA Bruins guard Lonzo Ball (2), poses for a selfie with Robert Pacheco at Pauley Pavilion. Mandatory Credit: Richard Mackson-USA TODAY Sports /

Hospitals and clinics around the nation are reporting a rise in the incidence of LaVar Ball Fatigue (LBF) Syndrome. LaVar Ball is the father of UCLA Basketball phenom Lonzo Ball, who has led his team to a three-seed in the NCAA Tournament and figures to be one of the first players taken in the NBA draft.

LaVar Ball has made a name for himself as the bombastic promoter of Lonzo and his two younger sons, LiAngelo and LaMelo.

As the season has worn on, LaVar Ball has garnered increasing media attention for his claims, from promises of a national title back in November, to claims that Lonzo is as good as or better than reigning back-to-back NBA MVP Steph Curry, to talk of a billion dollar shoe endorsement deal for his three sons.

UCLA Basketball fans learned a while ago that there are few more dangerous places in Los Angeles than between LaVar Ball and a television camera.

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But LaVar Ball’s rising profile and near-ubiquity on sports television and internet sites have left many exhausted and annoyed.

What was once a fun sideshow to a legitimately special player has become for many a tiresome black hole of attention that threatens to overwhelm the UCLA Basketball program and the NCAA Tournament.

Rest easy, however, as the FDA has rushed approval for four new prescription medications designed specifically to treat LBF.

Below is a profile of each of them as well as one over-the-counter supplement. Sufferers of LBF should consult their primary physician to see which medication or combination of medications is right for them.

Imbrasit

This bold new treatment targets the anxiety caused by LBF, and test users have reported an increased enjoyment of LaVar Ball’s antics. They come to value LaVar Ball’s vocal support of his sons, enjoy his bold predictions, and find the humor in his bombast. Test subjects testify that their quality of life is much improved now that they don’t have to fly off the handle in inchoate rage when LaVar Ball claims to have been a better college player than Michael Jordan.

Potential Side Effects: Loss of moral compass; Regret and embarrassment in a few years when it all comes crashing down.

Recommended for: UCLA fans; Internet sports writers

Not Recommended for: USC/Arizona fans; Sports talk radio hosts

Altequis

Altequis is a mirror image of Imbrasit in that it leverages patients’ negative reactions to LBF and raises anxiety and disgust receptors to give the user a sense of riding a high horse leading a moral charge. Recommended only in extreme cases, the goal of Altequis is to harness the patient’s natural response to LBF and channel that into a sense of purpose and self-aggrandizement. Users report stronger feelings than usual about the sanctity of the amateur game and a propensity to invoke Vince Lombardi.

Potential Side Effects: Loss of peer respect; High blood pressure

Recommended for: Sports talk radio hosts; Newspaper sports columnists

Not Recommended for: UCLA fans; ironic or self-aware USC fans (hypothetical only)