In Which Clay Helton Comes into Possession of Fine Luxury Items

Unbeknownst to many, USC Head Football Coach Clay Helton came into an inheritance this past offseason when a rich, but distant, cousin suddenly passed away. We interviewed Coach Helton to get a look at the luxury goods he inherited and how he is enjoying them.

Go Joe Bruin: First of all, Coach Helton, our condolences on your loss.

Clay Helton: Thank you. I actually hadn’t ever heard of my second cousin thrice removed, Rupert FitzHugh Cornelius Helton III, Esq. But he was apparently very proud of my being hired at USC and wrote me into his will. I try to enjoy what he left to me in a way that honors his memory.

GJB: For starters, the big ticket item that he left you was the Beringer winery in Napa Valley? Wow. What an icon of California luxury.

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CH: Yeah, I’m not much of a wine drinker, though.

GJB: I see, but surely as a source of income, it must be very remunerative.

CH: Well, the jelly hasn’t really sold well.

GJB: The jelly?

CH: See, as a man of integrity, if I’m going to sell something it’s going to be a product I stand behind. And not being a wine drinker, I decided to pick all the grapes and make jelly. Goes great in a PB&J.

GJB: …Surely you’re joking. Those are some of the most prized grapes and vines in the entire world, and you’re using them to make jelly?

CH: Well, not anymore.

GJB: Okay, wow. So one vintage is lost, but there’s always next year. I see here you also inherited a McLaren P1, one of only 375 luxury coupes made, which sells for an average of $1.6 million. That must be a real treat to open up on PCH on your way up to the winery.

CH: Oh, it was – the first time.

GJB: Oh?

CH: I figured a sports car was similar to a sport utility vehicle, right?

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GJB: Wait, what?

CH: So I took it off-roading. It, um, didn’t get very far.

GJB: …

CH: And after all the work we did to tear up the vines at Beringer to make a killer off-road course.

GJB: OH, SWEET MOTHER OF – NO! No, no, no, no…

Okay…okay. How about the $12 million stallion purchased from the Emir of Dubai, grand-sired by Triple Crown winner Seattle Slew?

CH: Broke its leg trying to pull the McLaren out of a ditch, so I had to shoot it.

GJB: …

CH: …

GJB: … Let’s, um, scale things down a little bit. Says here you were gifted a case of Pappy Van Winkle bourbon.

CH: Yeah, mixed that in a big bowl with lemonade and powdered sugar for a delicious summer punch.

GJB: And the Sevruga grey caviar?

CH: Makes a horrible face scrub – doesn’t exfoliate worth a damn.

GJB: The Gurkha Black Dragon cigars?

CH: Worst Lincoln logs ever. I had to cut the notches into them myself. But the dog liked chewing on them, until he –

GJB: The Crown Sable fur stole?

CH: – barfed on the fur – oh, that wasn’t a rug?

GJB: How are you possibly this obtuse? Is nothing sacred to you? Have you no – oh! Wait a minute! What’s that? Is that the Cartier watch? On your wrist? Being used the way it was intended?

CH: Well, yes and no. My favorite clicky pen lost its spring when I lent it out to one of the players to write an apology letter for robbing a bank. So I popped open this bad boy and yanked the spring out to replace it.

GJB: FOR F***’S SAKE! THAT’S NOT EVEN THE SAME KIND OF SPR-

CH: It didn’t work.

GJB: I’m leaving now.

Next: UCLA-Stanford: Keys to the Game

CH: I mean, when am I ever going to need to keep track of time?

Note: This is a satire piece. Laugh.