Jayne Kamin-Oncea-US PRESSWIRE
NEWWWW FEATUREEEE. Every week, before UCLA football’s next game, this man, Chemically Altered Bruin-Man, will smack talk the Bruins’ next opponents. We told him to give us his honest opinion about the game, and this is what he says. Note: Chemically Altered Bruin-Man is a total a-hole. Don’t be offended, Nebraska fans, you guys have been nothing but gracious.
Hey guys!
So I was asked to give my opinion on UCLA’s game against Nebraska. But first, I’d like you to thank me for letting me have your time; you’re so, so welcome.
But yes, on to the game.
First of all, I think UCLA has to win. Mainly because Nebraska is named the Cornhuskers, which is basically a guy who picks vegetables in a field all day. I thought Mexicans were stealing Nebraska fans’ jobs. So much for that.
And plus, this is the face of their athletics program:
Why did Nebraska pick a vegetable to represent themselves? Even worse, they picked the only vegetable that doesn’t decompose and also it comes out entirely in the toilet when you take a dump. What angle were they going for? “We’re so tough, we make it through your stomach acid and show up in your sh*t”? I don’t know.
And another thing about Mexicans taking your job. What about this Taylor Martinez guy? Listen, I have nothing against Mexicans. I live in LA and our mayor is Antonio Banderas or whatever and plus I voted for Pedro, but didn’t Nebraska sign some sort of bill that wants to eliminate Mexicans? And now they’re letting some guy named Martinez run Nebraska? This sounds hypocritical to me.
More about this Martinez guy who is getting a lot of hype lately. I can’t take any QB seriously who looks like this:
Bruce Thorson-US PRESSWIRE
Now I’m not one to talk, but that is one fugly quarterback. I mean, he’s better looking compared to the rest of Nebraska students:
But gosh damn, Taylor Martinez is a fugly fellow.
Anyway, another thing UCLA won’t have to be worried about is hot fans. Pretty much every game against a visitor has at least 100 hot chicks that dress super slutty. Not Nebraska women though. They dress like this at games:
I know that Nebraska fans can get going if given the right sister to look at, BUT COME ON. Corn? I can’t even get turned on by that. It’s not even a credible source of food porn.
Anyway, I wanted to make this quick: I predict UCLA will win 24-18. My Bruins are going to be super physical and hit the Nebraska Brazeros in their teeth– er, tooth.
Go Bruins!