Meet UCLA’s soon-to-be recruiting classes in both football and basketball


As you know if you frequent GJB, we don’t cover UCLA basketball or football recruiting as much as we should. We feel it gets a little ridiculous sometimes and also, these kids get enough exposure. We think they’re awesome, but we have had a moral duty to not cover recruiting.

Not so much anymore. Because after hearing shocking developments of UCLA’s innovative recruiting tactics, we’ve decided to highlight UCLA’s upcoming recruiting classes in both basketball and football. We won’t get into the exposition-y stuff this time, but let’s just jump right into it:

Miles Baby Boogaloo Brown. 4’5”, 92 lbs. Class of 2020. 

The scouting report on this kid is a little ridiculous. At 4’5” and 92 pounds, he’s easily one of the most versatile and talented centers in the class of 2020. His projected height at time of graduation is a whopping 7-feet-14 inches.

We asked him a few questions about the recruiting process, naturally. When we asked him what his thoughts were on the UCLA basketball program, he told us that, “I don’t really know. They’re close to the Lakers, right? I like the Lakers so I guess I like UCLA, too.”

This kid’s a friggin’ genius and will be a court general in no time. The issue is that he’ll likely be a one-and-done, but that’s if the rules don’t get changed in the next eight years.

Ralphie Wilson. 1’3”, 12 pounds. Class of 2029.

Ralphie Wilson’s scouting report isn’t as impressive as Baby Boogaloo. He’s a little undersized for an elite college point guard, but given the successes of guys like Kemba Walker and Aaron Brooks at the college level, I don’t think it’s totally out of the question to rule him as a non-competitor.

The kid’s also very fiery and completely transparent. When asked about the colleges that were recruiting him which he was the least interested, he vomited breast milk all over the Bills’ logo, suggesting that Colorado is definitely out of the question.

Baby Gaughan. 1’5”, 20 pounds. Class of 2029.

Considered to be one of the most tenacious defenders in the nation in the class of 2029, Baby Gaughan has all the pedigree of becoming an elite college basketball player, especially given his pedigree: He is the son of NASCAR driver Brendan Gaughan. There has been a well-documented series of successes of NASCAR descendants that have wound up doing some really special things at the college level, and we’re thinking Baby Gaughan is no exception.

Ralphie Wilson and Baby Gaughan have, indeed, played against one another in one of the most anticipated recruit-on-recruit battles since 2012’s match-up between Shabazz Muhammad and Winston Sheppard. Needless to say, Baby Gaughan managed to hold Wilson motionless. In fact, Wilson became so frustrated that he proceeded to lie on his back and sh** in his pants, reports say. When asked about the incident, Wilson’s statement could not be comprehended for comment.

Nico Sanchez. 3’2”, 74 pounds. Class of 2024. 

Nico Sanchez is already one of the most dangerous 2-sport athletes at the kindergarten level. In his baseball career, he has managed an ERA of 0.00. The knock on this, of course, is that Sanchez’s level of competition isn’t as high as that of the 1st-graders, but we’re not so sure about that.

His second sport, is, of course, football. Sanchez has one of the quickest releases in the nation at the K-level, and is already learning how to throw the ball without using both hands to thrust it forward, where most QBs learn this by third grade.

There is another red flag, though: We’re not sure who gave him that Padres jersey, but there’s a possibility that he may be ineligible for receiving improper benefits. The NCAA is set to investigate very soon and may ask that, for Sanchez to be eligible for competition in 2024, he return the jersey to the college that recruited him.

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