February 13, 2014; Los Angeles, CA, USA; UCLA Bruins forward/center Tony Parker (23) scores a basket against the Colorado Buffaloes during the second half at Pauley Pavilion. Mandatory Credit: Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports

UCLA Basketball: Bold Predictions For The 2014-15 Season

So the 2013-14 season is in the books and the UCLA Bruin basketball team ended 28-9 overall and 12-6 in the Pac-12 Conference. They captured the Pac-12 Tournament Championship and even made a return to the Sweet 16, not bad for head coach Steve Alford‘s first year. That is not bad for ANY coach’s first year.

Kyle Anderson and Zach LaVine are heading to the NBA while leading scorer Jordan Adams will be testing their waters. UCLA will soon have commits Jonah Bolden, Gyorgy Goloman, Kevon Looney and Thomas Welsh on campus, all of who are 6’8″ or taller (Welsh is 7’0″).

The remaining Bruins scholarship roster looks like this:

Guards-Bryce Alford, Noah Allen, Isaac Hamilton, Norman Powell

Forwards/Centers-Wanaah Bail, Tony Parker




-Steve Alford will look at game tape and think to himself, “Wow, maybe I am wrong. Bryce CANNOT play point guard. I NEED A POINT GUARD!” With that, the elder Alford will sign an under-the-radar PG who his actually pretty good. Bryce is moved to back-up point guard.

-UCLA’s head coach will also realize, “AH! We can barely play defense!” He then Googles, “how to play defense in basketball”.

-Wanaah Bail will be completely “yoked” going into the season. He is then offered a leading role in Frank Miller’s third installment of 300.

Non-Conference Play

-In the Battle For Atlantis tournament, UCLA wins the championship against Florida, 90-60. In the ensuing excitement, Athletic Director Dan Guerrero will dance around and yell at the Florida team “WE FINALLY GOT YOU!” He will then rip off his shirt revealing a large chest tattoo that states: I’m #1!

-Ten games in, Coach Alford realizes the truth in his revelation, “Bryce cannot play point guard”. The younger Alford will permanently move over to starting shooting guard. He then starts to average 25 points a game off of 85% three-point shooting. From then on he is known around the nation as “Zone Busta!”

-Tony Parker will lead the team in field goal percentage, rebounds, blocks, broken hearts, fan mail and Chipotle consumption… all while nailing a 3.9 GPA.

-During the ‘Christmas In Chicago’ game, UCLA will wreck Kentucky 98-64. Dan Guerrero can be heard yelling, “WE HAVE 11 BANNERS, SUCKERS!” Kevon Looney will score 30 points in this game, guaranteed.

-Dick Vitale will jump on the UCLA bandwagon right around this time. On live TV he will proclaim, in a loud, nasally voice, “DUKE IS FOR LOSERS, BABY!”

Pac-12 Conference Play

-UCLA will go 18-o.

-UCLA will beat Arizona in Tucson, 83-65. Bill Walton, who will be calling the game, will get into a physical altercation with his co-host after he says, “The Greatful Dead suck.” Dan Guerrero will be yelling once again, “Hey Arizona! Maybe you should change your name to the MILDCATS!” He then disappears in a cloud of smoke.

-Norman Powell becomes a dark horse for Pac-12 Player Of The Year after he executes a flawless triple-sowcow dunk in the Arizona game. Kate Upton is in the crowd and dumps whoever she is with and asks Powell to marry her.

-UCLA will beat USC so bad, the Trojans will fold their hoops program forever. Andy Enfield then becomes the next coach of the LA Lakers.


-UCLA will win the Pac-12 Tournament for the second straight year which gets them a #2 seed in the West.

-UCLA wins each tournament game by an average of 24 points.

-Freshman Thomas Welsh will average seven blocks in each game of the NCAA Tournament. One of which he catches in mid-air and sends it down court for an amazing buzzer beater. Still, it is only #8 on Sports Center’s Top 10.

-UCLA will win their Elite Eight game, making it back to the Final Four. Dan Guerrero will go insane! He will crack open a bottle of Veuve Clicquot and drench himself. He then yells out, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”, rips off his shirt to reveal a tattoo that states: I’M STILL #1!

-The Bruins lose in the Final Four to a surprising Mercer team that eventually wins it all. A small contingent of Bruin fans start another “Fire Alford” Twitter account.

Remember, these are just predictions, but seeing how UCLA is in an upswing for their basketball program, here at GJB, we can see at least five of these coming true.

Mike W.R.

Twitter: @TheBigDisco

Tags: Basketball UCLA Bruins

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