Go Joe Bruin takes a look at how several Star Wars characters would fit into new UCLA football head coach Chip Kelly’s system if they were to take the field in 2018. Just go with it.
UCLA football‘s Chip Kelly is a master (Jedi?) at bringing out the strengths of his players. This coming season he has the herculean task of trying to turn the Bruins’ squad into contenders as the program is in transition.
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With those abilities, we here at Go Joe Bruin wanted to see what he could do with another rag-tag group of fight, fight, fighters. That is why we dip into the fantasy of science fiction football.
We take a look at several Star Wars characters and assess their abilities to see how they best fit into Kelly’s system. Here is what we got…
Quarterbacks and Running Backs
QB: Lando Calrissian, 5’10, 175 (Socorro School for Scoundrels)
RB: Rey, 5’10, 119 lbs. (Jakku High School – transfer)
RB: BB-8, 2’2, 40 lbs. (Astromech College Prep)
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Though undersized, Calrissian does whatever he can to get the job done, which includes cheating, though Chip Kelly is probably wise to this and is keeping a close eye on Lando as he doesn’t want to do anything that will give the team sanctions. Still, Calrissian is a born leader and has been known to shine for the greater good.
Calrissian is a bit of a prima donna and won’t play any position other than a glam position, but with is athletic abilities, Kelly cannot avoid using him.
In Kelly’s system, running backs are going to be key, and there are only two choices to run the rock. Rey is not only developing nicely with her Jedi skills, but she has been able to out run TIE Fighters and baster fire, so going against Division I defenses doesn’t seem so bad.
As for BB-8, though he is small, he is fast and elusive. Sure, he does not have big hands or clasps or whatever, which could lead to issues with fumbling, but his determination makes him a reliable backup RB. Plus his low center of gravity will make it near impossible to tackle. But seriously, How do you tell if the little guy is down. Not our problem, but the Pac-12 refs will manage to find a way to screw it up.
Tight Ends and Receivers
TE: Kylo Ren, 6’3, 196 lbs. (Chandrila Lutheran)
WR: Finn, 5’11, 161 lbs. (Imperial Academy)
WR: Poe Dameron, 5’8, 180 lbs. (Yavin North High School)
WR: Padme Amidala-Skywalker, 5’5, 110 lbs. (Naboo Royal Academy – Go Gugans!)
Though Chip Kelly’s system requires a strong run game, the passing game will be equally important, especially when implementing the RPO (run-pass option). Kelly will employ short passing routes, which will be key to consistently moving the ball up the field.
Kelly will also try to evolve his offense with the use of tight ends and with Ren on the end of the line, the Bruins should be able to move the ball with force. Ren, though often temperamental, is broad-shouldered and takes up a lot of space, so with him in the open, he will be able to take defenders one-on-one.
Finn is a bit flighty and paranoid, but once he gets into a groove, he tends to stick with it and produce results. His height will help him on the sidelines against smaller DBs, though he needs to establish confidence, which Kelly will have no problem instilling.
Dameron is a fantastic pilot, so he will have no problem managing the air. He also has the confidence of Grand Moff Tarkin, which will be needed when going against teams that are favored to beat UCLA. He takes no guff from the opposition, is a bit of a trash talker and often gets into people’s heads. Other than that, he could be a solid, speedy receiver.
Though the former Queen Amidala is only 5’5, she is fierce. She does not let anything jade her and if she gets hit, she gets right back up. Though she might get lost in the open field against taller defenders, she is perfect for sweeps and crossing routes.
Offensive Line
LT: Wampa, 9’10, 330 lbs. (Hoth Music Academy)
LG: Jabba the Hutt, 12’8 long, 5’10 height, 2,994 lbs. (Tatooine Secondary)
C: Chewbacca, 7’6, 247 lbs. (Kashyyyk Tech)
RG: The Rancor, 16’5, 3,638 lbs. (Dathomir High School)
RT: Snoke, 7’0, 95 lbs. (home schooled)
One of the things Chip Kelly is going to have to do this fall is work with the players he has on the line, though he doesn’t exactly have what he requires, he somehow manages to get the most out of his players.
This line will be no different. The five players listed here are definitely big, but a few lack mobility, which is not a big thing (no pun intended), but it might affect the speed at which Kelly wants his offense to go.
The all-important LT position will be held down by the Hoth Wampa. He is pretty quick for being nearly 10-feet and has huge hands, perfect for smacking down Tauntauns or EDGE rushers. With little backup, Kelly will need to find a way to make Jabba a proper guard. His lack of mobility will hinder the pace of the offense, but if the Bruins need someone to clear a path, look no further than this slime ball.
Chewie would be fantastic on the defensive line, but his height and flexibility can really help the OL, especially at C (similar to the move of Boss Tagaloa). As a co-pilot, Chewbacca knows all about working as a team, which is my he will be a good fit to anchor the line.
The RG spot will be taken by the Rancor. Though he also lacks mobility, because of his height, one of his steps equals 4-8 of a regular humanoid. Plus, with his big stubby legs, runners can easily run through them.
At the other tackle spot we have Snoke who is more long than he is thick. At 7-feet, he can force edge rushers to take a longer route to the backfield. Unfortunately, he is a twig, so Kelly might want to use sweeps and screens when taking the ball to that side of the line.
Defensive Line
EDGE: Maul, 6’5, 290, (Dathomir High School)
DT: Mace Windu, 6’4, 200 lbs. (Jedi Academy)
NT: Captain Phasma, 6’7, 168 lbs. (Imperial Academy)
DE: Darth Vader, 6’8, 300 lbs. (Jedi Academy)
This could be the most talented position group in this article, not only do they all bring force (pun intended), but they all have that gritty attitude, similar to former UCLA DL Cassius Marsh.
UCLA will have no problem playing with violence with this team as three of the four have origins in the Sith/Empire. Maul, who has since been resurrected since his unfortunate injury in ‘The Phantom Menace’, has now been equipped with cybernetic legs, giving him extra push off the line in DC Jerry Azzinaro’s DE/LB hybrid spot.
Windu is no-nonsense, has a keen focus and is very aggressive when he needs to be. He is a tough minded leader, perfect to help advance this DL.
Phasma, like Windu, is equally tough. Though she has a lot of protective braces and armor, she is very aggressive in her words and manner. She also has little regard for those that stand in her way.
And now we come to Vader, the Keisean Lucier-South of the group. Vader has the abilities to be a dynamic edge rusher, but he paces himself. Not only that, with his force choke talents, he can take down a ball carrier that is ten yards away from him, though that might be illegal and get him thrown out of the game.
Linebackers
ILB: Obi-Wan Kenobi, 6’0, 170 lbs. (Jedi Academy)
ILB: Han Solo, 5’11, 177 (Lady Proxima’s Home for Corellian Youth)
OLB: Qui-Gon Jinn, 6’4, 210 lbs. (Jedi Academy)
Consistency is key and with Azzinaro having four of his front seven hail from the Jedi Academy, there will be a lot of familiarity, which will help this defense mesh sooner than later.
Obi-Wan is pretty cool under pressure. I mean, he did take down his apprentice in an all-out battle on a river of lava. So the fact that he did not get burned or barely got a scratch shows his resiliency. As a General during the Clone Wars, he has the leadership abilities to boost this LB group which has had issues the last few seasons.
Solo might be a bit of a Rogue One (get it?), but he knows when to jump in and help out. Though it might take him a while to learn the ins-and-outs of team ball, he should do well in the linebacking interior.
Jinn is a lot more focused and calm than his counterpart, Kenobi. Though he likes to take a lot of chances, that could help out immensely in Azzinaro’s aggressive defense. Qui-Gon definitely would not have survived in Tom Bradley’s bend-but-don’t-break defense.
Defensive Backs
CB: Yoda, 2’2, 29 lbs. (Jedi Academy)
S: Luke Skywalker, 5’8, 161 lbs. (Jedi Academy, transfer from Tattoine Secondary)
S: Boba Fett, 6’1, 172 lbs. (Kamino School for Clones)
CB: Leia Organa-Solo, 5’0, 110 lbs. (Alderaan Royal Academy)
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During the Jim Mora era, the secondary was consistently productive due to recruiting and development. Here, we already have experienced DBs that take their jobs seriously. There is no lallygagging in this group as they are all business.
Yoda might be small, but he has crazy hops and speed, which means that he can keep up with receivers a lot taller than himself. Though he needs time to waddle back to the line, once that ball is snapped, don’t even look to his side of the field.
Skywalker is perfect for this position, as he walks the sky, defending it from mid-to-deep passes. He can also jump over the Sarlacc, so putting him up against taller receivers should not be a problem as he too has insane jumping skills. On top of that, if needed, he can play the game from home and telepathically send in his defense. Though Azzinaro probably wants a more hands-on approach.
Though Leia barely reaches 5’0, she is bold and doesn’t take crap from anyone, making her a perfect fit for the Bruins’ secondary. On top of that, she has recently discovered her powers, making her deadlier with each approaching game.
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So there you have it. A full on starting lineup for Star Wars characters. Though these characters bring a lot of talent, Kelly could definitely improve their skills and make them a 12-0 team. Though there are probably those out there that will say Kelly will only win 6 games with this crew. We shall see.