Hospitals and clinics around the nation are reporting a rise in the incidence of LaVar Ball Fatigue (LBF) Syndrome. LaVar Ball is the father of UCLA Basketball phenom Lonzo Ball, who has led his team to a three-seed in the NCAA Tournament and figures to be one of the first players taken in the NBA draft.
LaVar Ball has made a name for himself as the bombastic promoter of Lonzo and his two younger sons, LiAngelo and LaMelo.
As the season has worn on, LaVar Ball has garnered increasing media attention for his claims, from promises of a national title back in November, to claims that Lonzo is as good as or better than reigning back-to-back NBA MVP Steph Curry, to talk of a billion dollar shoe endorsement deal for his three sons.
UCLA Basketball fans learned a while ago that there are few more dangerous places in Los Angeles than between LaVar Ball and a television camera.
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But LaVar Ball’s rising profile and near-ubiquity on sports television and internet sites have left many exhausted and annoyed.
What was once a fun sideshow to a legitimately special player has become for many a tiresome black hole of attention that threatens to overwhelm the UCLA Basketball program and the NCAA Tournament.
Rest easy, however, as the FDA has rushed approval for four new prescription medications designed specifically to treat LBF.
Below is a profile of each of them as well as one over-the-counter supplement. Sufferers of LBF should consult their primary physician to see which medication or combination of medications is right for them.
Imbrasit
This bold new treatment targets the anxiety caused by LBF, and test users have reported an increased enjoyment of LaVar Ball’s antics. They come to value LaVar Ball’s vocal support of his sons, enjoy his bold predictions, and find the humor in his bombast. Test subjects testify that their quality of life is much improved now that they don’t have to fly off the handle in inchoate rage when LaVar Ball claims to have been a better college player than Michael Jordan.
Potential Side Effects: Loss of moral compass; Regret and embarrassment in a few years when it all comes crashing down.
Recommended for: UCLA fans; Internet sports writers
Not Recommended for: USC/Arizona fans; Sports talk radio hosts
Altequis
Altequis is a mirror image of Imbrasit in that it leverages patients’ negative reactions to LBF and raises anxiety and disgust receptors to give the user a sense of riding a high horse leading a moral charge. Recommended only in extreme cases, the goal of Altequis is to harness the patient’s natural response to LBF and channel that into a sense of purpose and self-aggrandizement. Users report stronger feelings than usual about the sanctity of the amateur game and a propensity to invoke Vince Lombardi.
Potential Side Effects: Loss of peer respect; High blood pressure
Recommended for: Sports talk radio hosts; Newspaper sports columnists
Not Recommended for: UCLA fans; ironic or self-aware USC fans (hypothetical only)
Conzerntro LL
A milder alternative to Altequis, Conzerntro LL interacts with receptors for empathy rather than anxiety and disgust, directing the user’s negative LBF reaction towards feelings of concern for the Ball brothers, for the UCLA basketball program, and for those potentially impacted by less scrupulous imitators of LaVar Ball in the future.
Users find themselves sympathetic with LaVar Ball and his support for his sons but wondering if his is the wisest, most prudent course. The primary benefit of Conzerntro LL is that it allows users a softer, more self-satisfactory sense of purpose than that given by Altequis.
Potential Side Effects: Cloying self-righteousness; Condescension; Insufferable patronization
Recommended for: Nervous UCLA fans; Loudmouth commentators who have outlived their shtick
Not Recommended for: White, yuppie, Medill-grad journalists
Blyvia
Blyvia is an extreme measure that takes a different approach from either the Imbrasit or the Altequis/Conzerntro LL models. Instead of fine-tuning various receptors to channel the user’s reaction to LBF stimuli, Blyvia instead shuts down all receptors and renders them non-reactive to LBF stimuli.
Users reported normal engagement levels in college basketball, a fulfilling fan experience, but utter bewilderment at the mention of LaVar Ball or his media antics.
Potential Side Effects: Inability to participate in certain trending topics within sports
Recommended for: NCAA Investigators
Not Recommended for: Ball family members and friends
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Nunn-Yeoh-Damh Beeswax
As an alternative or potential complement to the above prescription options, LBF patients should ask their doctors about NYD Beeswax treatment. Developed by three pharmacists from the US and Asia, this is a holistic, over-the-counter treatment that can be applied topically to the eyes and ears whenever LBF sufferers anticipate encountering stories about or remarks from LaVar Ball. Users report second thoughts when about to opine on LaVar Ball, and increasing instances of reminding themselves, ‘You don’t have to care about this. This isn’t actually about you.’
Potential Side Effects: Apathy; Hot take deficiency; Outbreaks of pimples in applied areas
Recommended for: All media, fans, officials, and opposing coaches and players
Not Recommended for: UCLA staff and players; the Ball family