Chemically Altered Bruin-Man Trashes The Houston Cougars

Jayne Kamin-Oncea-US PRESSWIRE

Chemically Altered Bruin-Man is back. Forgive him if he’s extra cocky and douchey today. 

Hey jerks.

Remember when I said we’d shove our football extremities up the Corn-hole? Remember when I said we’d beat those toothless racist hillbillies?

Yeah, well you called me crazy shortly after and we won. Look down when you’re talking to me.

But this week I want to talk about our opponent on Saturday, the Wazzu Cougars. Er, wait. What Cougars do we play? Half of the FBS use Cougars as their goddamn mascot, so I got confused.

OK, the Houston Cougars. Got it.

Shit, we play those Cougars? Well, this is gonna suck.

Let’s get something straight. I like when we blowout teams. I really do. Nothing gets me giddier than when Brett Hundley and company beat the living hell out of an opponent because then I get to laugh at Richard Brehaut for wrongly thinking this guy is a Division I quarterback. I like the thrill of him over-throwing 6’8” receivers and I like that Noel Mazzone draws up nothing but pass plays while he’s in to further piss us off.

But damn, Houston? They’re motherfreaking awful.

So no I’m not worried about a letdown game. They lost to Louisiana Tech and Texas State, which as far as I’m concerned, aren’t that much better than the community college that I slept through two years at. Plus, they don’t have Case Keenum anymore, like they have for the past 10 goddamn years. Seriously, I had a cousin who tried to stay in college for that long for the booze and boobs, I should’ve told him to play college football since that was the best way to do it at Houston.

Houston fans also have this thing where they put up a retarded version of the “hook ‘em horns” hand signal, except it looks like they altered it so no one bitches at them.

What’s their excuse for this? Apparently their mascot was an actual cougar at some point and it lost its ring finger after trying to take off her wedding band to pick up a 22-year old stud, and the fans put up this sign to commemorate her. I guess keeping 40-year old women with an attraction to younger men in cages was cool? I don’t know.

Anyway, I’ve yet to come across any Houston fans, so it’s not like I can tell them to their face just how crappy their team is. You have to wonder if the state of Texas even realizes UH has a football team, with the Longhorns and the Cowboys, and Texas A&M, and the San Antonio Spurs and whatnot (the latter may actually be a better football team believe it or not).

You want my prediction already? Here it is: UCLA 49, Houston 3. God, they suck.

Go Bruins!