Those silly kids at Go Joe Bruin were all over USC football’s fall camp, probably. They took some notes, maybe. So here’s there recap, possibly.
At the very first minute of the USC football camp, Lane Kiffin jogged down the sidelines and began barking some orders.
“Silas. Silas? SILAS!” screamed Kiffin, “what the f*** are you doing?”
New USC running back Silas Redd was lined up with the rest of the running backs, ready to begin practice. So what was Kiffin’s problem?
“GET YOUR ASS BACK TO THE CAMERAS, REDD, WE DON’T PAY YOU TO PLAY FOOTBALL,” yelled Kiffin. “Do you realize how important it is for you to constantly take pictures? This isn’t primarily a football team, Silas, this is a gosh damn entertainment event.”
Redd had a confused look. “OK, Coach,” he said obediently.
This is the culture that Lane Kiffin will look to implement come September 1 against Hawai’i. No longer is Kiffin looking to build upon the rich history of NCAA violations associated with the USC Athletics program. Instead, Kiffin has come up with the most ingenious form of recruiting in collegiate history: The promise of helping players to be entered into a job on campus with the media as “professional posers” to take pictures and “look good in representing the University and all it stands for.”
And now, he said, USC is looking to implement as much of Hollywood into their football squad as possible.
“We feel that we’re a big fuc– sorry, we’re a big freaking deal. We feel we have the cajones to beat everyone, and specifically, I have the cajones to beat everyone, so I might as well act like it,” said Kiffin.
This same attitude has been applied towards many players.
“I think I’m really photogenic,” said USC QB Matt Barkley. “I mean, seriously, have you seen my face on these pictures? I put more of my mom’s face cream than my mom does. I grew up as a kid loving to look beautiful, and I definitely carry that over to my football career.”
“Barkley was brought in before I was, so he was likely brought in to just play quarterback,” said Kiffin. “I’m trying to change that attitude and Barkley has helped us become, in the words of Joakim Noah, Hollywood as hell. I told him I’d help make him a star, and he decided to stick around and help USC become the best TV show in college football.”
USC did play some football, though. Lane Kiffin left promptly before drills began. We caught up with him on his way out.
“I didn’t come here to coach football except when the television crew is pointing at me on the sidelines on Saturdays,” said Kiffin. “That’s how I won the most games I’ve ever won as a coach at any level in 2011. You seen how the fans reacted, I get men’s panties thrown at me every day. I plan to replicate that success.”
Of course, this fits with USC’s decision to not tackle during spring practice and that also factored in to the same decision in fall.
Kiffin updated us on that, too.
“I really can’t afford for any of our athletes to get dirty before they have to go on TV,” Kiffin told us. “If Matt Barkley gets a scare or if Silas loses a tooth, how will the cameras and the media react? Not good. The odds of them getting on the cover of GQ shoots down significantly.”
The media was ushered out as soon as USC began scrimmaging, unfortunately, so we can’t give you any updates on the actual football.
We did, however, squeeze in one question before Kiffin tried to run us over with his car: Will Jim Mora’s arrival in Westwood help make UCLA more competitive with USC in the future?
“Do I care, like, at all?” said Kiffin. “Listen, I’m worried about USC. I don’t care that Jim Mora has been a more successful coach than I have at the pro level. I don’t care that my total wins in pro and college is just one less than Mora’s total career wins at the pro level in one less year. I don’t care that Mora is probably more physically fit than I am. And I don’t care that he doesn’t have to commute through one of the roughest areas in L.A. I love it. I LOVE the smoggy air, it’s what defines LA. I HATE HIM, I AM JUST WORRIED ABOUT ME AND USC, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY ME.”
He slammed his car, revved up his engine in preparation to run me over, meditated for thirty-five minutes, and finally, drove off.
Go Joe Bruin may or may not be up at the second day of USC football’s fall camp. Or, like, the third day. Or even the fourth. That was scary as hell and we’d prefer not to die.
Also, if you thought this was a serious thing, you’re an idiot. Relax, SC fans, breathe a little.