We somehow got a chance to catch up with USC QB Matt Barkley, probably. Here’s what went down, probably.
Go Joe Bruin: Hey Matt, thanks for coming to sit down with us. I know we’re a UCLA site, but we wan–
Matt Barkley: yo bro.
Go Joe Bruin: Hey Matt. Anyway, we just wanted to ask you some quest–
Matt Barkley: ya bro, i am.
GJB: Wait, what?
MB: u were gonna ask if i was a virgin rite?
GJB: No, I was going to ask you if you thoug–
MB: bro, theres some fine ass chicks here at SC bro, i love them. there’s hot ones, white ones, thin ones, thick ones, fat ones. tall ones, asian ones, short ones. wide ones, black ones, green ones. i love them. but bro, im a virgin, i never wanna hit that.
GJB: Wait, how’re you making all these grammatical errors when you’re sitting right in fron–
MB: bro, these women want me so bad bro. i just feel bad.
GJB: Um, why do you feel bad? Shouldn–
MB: nah bro, im just not attracted to them.
GJB: Attracted … to women at USC?
MB: no to women in gennies, bro.
MB: general. u know, like natties, scholies, lol. stop makin me type everything out lol … (Barkley actually says “lol” out loud)
GJB: You’re sitting right the f*ck in front of me, talking to me.
MB: ppl always think its b/c i’m christian bro. truth is, just as many guy students here at usc hit on me.
GJB: Are you serious?
MB: ya bro, theyre always up on my sac, man. they are almost grinding on me. i go out there on the field every saturday and be a boss and they throw their underwear at me lol. all the guys love me and more men from usc have written me romantic love letters than women have hahaha
GJB: That doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable?
MB: no … i kinda like it hahahahah (doesn’t actually laugh) … there was this one ref at a game … (proceeds to have a flashback)
MB: he smiled at me, i smiled at him. he was so handsome and cute bro…
GJB: Wait …
MB: hey man, r u seeing any1?
GJB: Can you not talk like that? YOU’RE SITTING RIGHT HERE.
MB: hahahaha, bro, chill lol grammar nazi
GJB: Okay, I’m going to ask you some questions, alright? Alright, so the first question I had was, do you thin–
MB: did u kno my hair isnt blond? i dyed it to look more cali bro.
GJB: Has anyone told you that you embody the typical male at USC?
MB: hahahaha, lane kiffin tells me that all the time. he says, ‘god, matt, you are the perfect usc trojan.’ and then he looks at me really deep and we stare for like 5 seconds. lol. and then kind of get really close and then his wife keeps bursting in and he gets really weird.
MB: coach loves christmas ornaments.
GJB: I bet. What did he say when you gave him that ornament where you said you’d come back next year?
MB: hahaha. i dont remember. it was like, ‘cool story, bro.’ or something.
GJB: What did you think of Coach Kiffin being considered one of the most hated college coaches in football?
(Door is broken open, some man comes in.)
Lane Kiffin: MATT, DID YOU TELL HIM WHAT WE DID? MATT? MATT? MATT? DID YOU? MATT? MATT?
GJB: What the f**k?
MB: No coach …
MB: … But I’m so happy to see you right now.
LK: I’M HAPPY TO SEE YOU TOO, MATT, YOU DOUCHEY, FRUITY SONUVAB**CH
GJB: What the hell is going on here?
LK: SHUT THE F**K UP, BROWNIE. DO YOU REALIZE WHO I AM?
GJB: Yes, you’re Lane Kiffin.
LK: NO, SCREW YOU, I’M *THE* LANE KIFFIN. “LANE KIFFIN” THAT YOU’RE REFERRING TO IS THE A-HOLE LANIER KIFFIN IN VIRGINIA, WHO IS MORE LANE THAN I AM, WHICH IS WHY HIS NAME IS ‘LANIER’ YOU TRIFLING BASTARD.
GJB: You need to stop screaming.
MB: god, he is so dreamy when he’s angry … :]
LK: BARKLEY, YOU HANDSOME BUT LESS HANDSOME THAN ME LITTLE PRICK, I MISSED YOU.
MB: Coach, did u get the teddy bear i sent u with “one more year” on it?
LK: BARKLEY, YOU GORGEOUS BUT LESS SEXY VERSION OF ME, OF COURSE I DID, EVERYTHING YOU SEND ME SAYS “ONE MORE YEAR” ON THE BACK OF IT.
MB: Even the–
LK: YES, BARKLEY, YOU BODACIOUS BUT LESS DESIRABLE MAN THAN ME, BUT DON’T SAY IT RIGHT HERE FOR THIS GOSH DAMNED PRICK SITTING IN THE ROOM. WHO INVITED YOU, PRICK? (Turns to face me.)
GJB: You’re in my apartment …
LK: OH IS THAT F***IN RIGHT, AM I IN YOUR APARTMENT? GET OUT OF MY FACE RIGHT NOW, YOU UGLY LITTLE BASTARD, MY WIFE’S YOU-KNOW-WHAT AFTER GIVING BIRTH TO OUR 30LB BABY IS MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN YOU ARE.
GJB: What the hell is happening?
MB: coach kiffin is happening ;]
GJB: Can you not look at him like that? Especially not in my apartment.
LK: DO YOU SEE THIS RICH CREAMY SONUVAB**CH SITTING NEXT TO ME? I LOVE THIS HOT BUT LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN ME LITTLE GUY, HE WISHES HE WERE AS HOT AS I AM AND AS SEXY AS I AM, BUT HE IS NOT SEXIER THAN I AM, BUT HE IS SO DAMN CLOSE. BARKLEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THIS LITTLE A-HOLE’S APARTMENT?
MB: idk coach, you showed up and i forgot totally what was going on
LK: (Clinches his fists then slowly turns his head to me while grinding his teeth.) DID YOU KIDNAP THIS GORGEOUS LITTLE PRICK, YOU PRICK?
GJB: You’ve got to be kidding me.
(Kiffin proceeds to run up to me and punch me in the face, constantly yelling, “HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW, AL, HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW? I ALWAYS HATED YOU AND WHY DIDN’T MY DAD EVER LOVE ME. SCREW YOU, AL.” He then grabs Matt Barkley by the hand and leaves my apartment, while Barkley yells back as he leaves, “And stay out of my apartment, bro!”)