Nov 28, 2011; Los Angeles, CA, USA; UCLA Bruins athletic director Dan Guerrero speaks at press conference to announce the firing of football coach Rick Neuheisel (not pictured) at the Los Angeles Tennis Center. Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-US PRESSWIRE

UCLA AD Dan Guerrero and UCLA Basketball Coach Ben Howland discuss things

Ben Howland was probably called into Dan Guerrero’s office a bit ago. Here’s what probably happened.

Morgan Center secretary: Coach Howland, Dan would like to see you in his office.

Ben Howland: Huh. Do you know why?

Secretary: No idea, Coach Howland.

BH: He didn’t tell you?

Secretary: Oh, he told me, but his mouth was full, someone left a baker’s dozen of pastries in his office again.

BH: Sonuvabitch.

Secretary: Is that bad? He does this all the time.

BH: Those were my f***ing pastries.

Ben Howland stomps through the hallway and bangs on Dan Guerrero’s office door. Dan lets him in as he cleans his face from all the jelly.

Credit: Kelvin Kuo-US PRESSWIRE

 

BH: Dan, what the hell do you think you’re doing?? Those pastries were mine!

DG: Mmmm …

Credit: Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-US PRESSWIRE

DG: And they were so good, Ben. So. Good.

BH: What the hell did you want me in your office for?

DG: Calm down, Ben. I love you. I really do. Have a seat.

Credit: Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-US PRESSWIRE

BH: No …

Credit: James Snook-US PRESSWIRE

BH: … I’ll stand.

DG: Suit yourself, Ben. Anyway, I want to talk to you about something really important. Really, really important.

BH: What is it?

DG: I can’t just tell you for chrissakes, Ben. Do you expect me to just be outright and straightforward? I wouldn’t have had this job for a decade if I didn’t know what I was doing, Ben. I’d have been gone by now.

BH: What?

Credit: Jason O. Watson-US PRESSWIRE

BH: … You’re sh***ing me, right?

DG: Language, Ben. Come on. We can’t have that kind of talk in my office. I’m really sensitive to bad words, Ben. I really am.

BH: Whatever. What did you want to talk about?

DG: Hahahaha.

Credit: Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-US PRESSWIRE

DG: Eager little bastard, aren’t you?

BH: You dragged me into your office, you ate all 14–

DG: 17.

BH: 17 of my pastries. You’ve called me a bastard. What the f*** do you want, Dan?

DG: I already told you about profanity, Dan. We can’t tolerate here at CULA.

BH: “CULA”?

DG: Yeah. CULA. You’ve been here for nine years and you still don’t know where you work, Ben?

Mandatory Credit: James Snook-US PRESSWIRE

BH: IT’S UCLA, DAN. U. C. L. A. DAMMIT, DAN.

DG: UCLA? How does that make sense? California University of Los Angeles, isn’t it?

BH: SCREW YOU, DAN. THE F*CK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

DG: Now, Ben …

Credit: Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-US PRESSWIRE

DG: How does that make you feel?

BH: …

Credit: Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-US PRESSWIRE

DG: Hahahahaha, I’m just messing with you, Ben. So you’re here now, what did you need from me?

Credit: Jayne Kamin-Oncea-US PRESSWIRE

BH: YOU CALLED ME IN HERE, DAN!!! YOU CALLED ME IN HERE. YOU, YOU MOTHERF*****, CALLED ME IN HERE.

Dan Guerrero begins to well up.

Credit: Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-US PRESSWIRE

DG: I’m sorry, Ben. Most people love my jokes.

BH: No one likes your jokes, Dan.

DG: Yes they do. They tell me that all the time when I interview them for jobs. I even ask them before the interview begins, “Hey, do you think my jokes are funny?” They always say yes, and that’s how I know how to hire people, Ben. You’re the first person to tell me they don’t like my jokes.

BH: Screw you, Dan. Call me back when you have something to talk about.

Ben Howland slams the door behind him, Dan Guerrero leans back in his chair, letting out an enormous sigh that only a man resembling an elephant could let out.

 Credit: Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-US PRESSWIRE

DG: Phew, Ben would’ve killed me if I told him he was fired.

Dan reaches under his desk and pulls out a huge-ass container.

DG: BACON TIME!!!

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Tags: Ben Howland Dan Guerrero UCLA

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