Ben Howland was probably called into Dan Guerrero’s office a bit ago. Here’s what probably happened.
Morgan Center secretary: Coach Howland, Dan would like to see you in his office.
Ben Howland: Huh. Do you know why?
Secretary: No idea, Coach Howland.
BH: He didn’t tell you?
Secretary: Oh, he told me, but his mouth was full, someone left a baker’s dozen of pastries in his office again.
Secretary: Is that bad? He does this all the time.
BH: Those were my f***ing pastries.
Ben Howland stomps through the hallway and bangs on Dan Guerrero’s office door. Dan lets him in as he cleans his face from all the jelly.
BH: Dan, what the hell do you think you’re doing?? Those pastries were mine!
DG: Mmmm …
DG: And they were so good, Ben. So. Good.
BH: What the hell did you want me in your office for?
DG: Calm down, Ben. I love you. I really do. Have a seat.
BH: No …
BH: … I’ll stand.
DG: Suit yourself, Ben. Anyway, I want to talk to you about something really important. Really, really important.
BH: What is it?
DG: I can’t just tell you for chrissakes, Ben. Do you expect me to just be outright and straightforward? I wouldn’t have had this job for a decade if I didn’t know what I was doing, Ben. I’d have been gone by now.
BH: … You’re sh***ing me, right?
DG: Language, Ben. Come on. We can’t have that kind of talk in my office. I’m really sensitive to bad words, Ben. I really am.
BH: Whatever. What did you want to talk about?
DG: Eager little bastard, aren’t you?
BH: You dragged me into your office, you ate all 14–
BH: 17 of my pastries. You’ve called me a bastard. What the f*** do you want, Dan?
DG: I already told you about profanity, Dan. We can’t tolerate here at CULA.
DG: Yeah. CULA. You’ve been here for nine years and you still don’t know where you work, Ben?
BH: IT’S UCLA, DAN. U. C. L. A. DAMMIT, DAN.
DG: UCLA? How does that make sense? California University of Los Angeles, isn’t it?
BH: SCREW YOU, DAN. THE F*CK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
DG: Now, Ben …
DG: How does that make you feel?
DG: Hahahahaha, I’m just messing with you, Ben. So you’re here now, what did you need from me?
BH: YOU CALLED ME IN HERE, DAN!!! YOU CALLED ME IN HERE. YOU, YOU MOTHERF*****, CALLED ME IN HERE.
Dan Guerrero begins to well up.
DG: I’m sorry, Ben. Most people love my jokes.
BH: No one likes your jokes, Dan.
DG: Yes they do. They tell me that all the time when I interview them for jobs. I even ask them before the interview begins, “Hey, do you think my jokes are funny?” They always say yes, and that’s how I know how to hire people, Ben. You’re the first person to tell me they don’t like my jokes.
BH: Screw you, Dan. Call me back when you have something to talk about.
Ben Howland slams the door behind him, Dan Guerrero leans back in his chair, letting out an enormous sigh that only a man resembling an elephant could let out.
Credit: Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-US PRESSWIRE
DG: Phew, Ben would’ve killed me if I told him he was fired.
Dan reaches under his desk and pulls out a huge-ass container.
DG: BACON TIME!!!